I Canceled My Order For An Uzi

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Being Nathaniel’s “Buppa” brings  with it the responsibility of having to give him some sage advice. Isn’t that what Grandfathers do. I feel the advice should be somewhat useful through out his life so I’m going to what life really turns out to be about. “Faster Cars, Older Whisky, and Younger Women” I don’t think he should be wasting a lot of time on other activities. I will also advise him against the use of 3 very special words which could change his whole world forever. He will always need to use extreme caution whenever saying “I Love You.” In fact I think he should only use those words when speaking directly to a family member.(Mothers love it)  The good news though is the lengths some people will go to get him to say those words are rather delightful.

Have you ever heard the phrase … He’s a wise young man. I didn’t think so.

Ray Lewis claimed if there was no NFL this fall crime in America would go up because the folks wouldn’t have anything to do. Now that it’s all settled I guess I can cancel my Uzi order.

When I was a young lad I lived in a small Manitoba town called Swan River which was in the middle of all the wheat farming country. The Farmers as I remember were always complaining about the weather. It was always too cold, too hot, too dry or too rainy. Spring came too early or too late, the same for fall. No matter the weather though, they all flew their own planes South for the Winter .

I guess the Rappers must be the Poets of our time. I just don’t see any of it having Centuries of staying power the Poetry that came before it had.

In order for a Contest to be successful on the Radio the Prize needs to be “The Thing” and it better be a unique thing.

It appears to me the rich folk are being taken care of by the Republicans and the Democrats seem to be handling the poor. I think the rest of us need our own political party and seeing as we out number the other two groups I think we could kick some major ass.

I wonder what Hitler’s parents were like. I bet there wasn’t a lot of hugging going on in that family.

Speaking of parents and the importance of parenting. The only people who get to judge whether or not I’ve been a good Father, are my Children.

Radio is Mass Media and the more it tries to squeeze the demos, the angrier the rating gods get.

I love the same TV shows the public loves I just don’t watch many of them.

Most Men don’t get to make love as much as they would like to. Women though are doing it more often than they would really like to. It’s God’s little joke.

A Bumble Bee is not designed to fly, it’s body is too heavy for it’s wings. But the Bee doesn’t know it.

I am a hell of a lot smarter on this Laptop than I am in person.

Once sales gets involved with a Radio promotion it takes a hell of a lot of creativity to keep the listeners interested in it.

No matter how strong and focused a Man is there is not one alive who can resist taking a peek at a beautiful Woman as she walks by, including gays.

This year LeBron James finally proved once and for all that Michael Jordan is the greatest Basketball player of all time.

The people with the least amount of natural talent usually own the biggest egos. Explain that one to me.

Someone finally came up with the difference between the words complete and finished. If you find the right woman and marry her you’re complete. If you marry the wrong woman you’re finished. Or to put it even a little stronger you may be completely finished.

I understand New York recently passed a law allowing Gays to be married. They have been allowed to marry in Canada for a long time now so I’m told they don’t.

I feel the CKY/CITI Alumni should make an exception and invite Warren Cosford to our reunion in May. Warren worked with many of the legends who are coming and is quite legendary himself not to mention that he is a Winnipegger too. Warren started his career at the wrong station, CJOB (-: But I’m sure he listened to Canada’s Friendly Giant so that qualifies him in my book.

Am I the only one who thinks cars still work much better than cell phones or computers?

Arnold Has Got To Be A Breast Man.

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My Daughter Candis reminded me that she also was also 15 when we did the drive up the California coast as Cami and I did. Ahh, I thought I recognized the attitude. Candis had already put me through the, walking ten paces behind her, please don’t talk to my friends, could you sit at another table, and this will be fine drop me right here routine some time ago. It’s a little easier to take the 2nd time around but I still fail most Cami’s instructions which tends to annoy her. Not too long ago I was privileged to overhear a conversation where Candis was telling Cami that she wanted to be there the day Cami discovered how brilliant their Father is. Cami just looked at her like she thought she was crazy!

I see that “Club 27” has welcomed another member. Amy Winehouse has joined fellow club members legendary blues guitarist Robert Johnson, Rudy Lewis of The Drifters, Brian Jones of The Stones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. They all died at 27 from variations of  the same disease with their best work still ahead of them. What a f**king waste.

If you have a chance you might want to check out www.localmusicwall.com/winnipeg. It’s a brand new project my Brother Reg is doing in Winnipeg. He’s working out the kinks with it on CITI-FM before he launches it World Wide. My Daughter Candis who was born in Winnipeg is on there singing a few tune she wrote. Just click on C to sample her work. A love it vote would be greatly appreciated.

Is Pippa’s 15 minutes up already. I think the only thing that could bring her back now would be a stolen sex tape.

Is it still bad luck if you’ve already sent that so called send “this special e mail to to your friends” and you get the same one from somebody else and you don’t do it again.

Somebody has got to have compiled a list by now of the radio stations that were real sales friendly that also did real well in Arbitron.

The Arabs have one big flaw in their quest for World domination. The World will never revert back several centuries no matter what they do.

In looking at comparative photos of Arnold’s Ex and the Mother of his newest child all I can figure is Arnold must have been a closet Breast Man.

Speaking of closets, John Picano alerted me to the fact that John Lennon’s assistant Fred Seaman claims in the latter part of his life John was a closet right winger and a huge fan of Ronald Reagan. I don’t believe it for a minute … Yoko would have killed him!

Talking about John, Yoko claims that John lay awake at night wondering why Paul’s songs were more popular than his.

300 years from now there will be an entirely new way of delivering product to the consumer but I bet some of that product will still contain some Lennon and McCartney tunes.

Bob Christy just checked in with the breaking news that one of the top teams in the Gay Softball World Series was just booted from the tournament for not being Gay enough.

Dr. Thomas Sowell claims that the only people who benefit from rent control are politicians. He also claims people who are Prejudice harm more people than people do who are Racist.

Just because you don’t want it to be true doesn’t change anything.

A Woman’s toughest role may be in living up to what we Males already imagine them to be.

The only thing that gets you noticed when you’re doing radio is when you do that thing that doesn’t fit the sound.

Music is still only 25% of what affects the ratings even though most broadcasters work on it like it’s the only thing.

I don’t believe the basic instincts of humans have ever been involved in the evolutionary process but I do believe education can temper them.

I don’t think Mother nature planned on things turning out this way and we may well be on our own now.

The people who don’t accept No are much happier than those that do.

Have you ever heard a good story about a Record Company from a recording Artist.

Competition in Media has allowed us to instantly peek at the ugly side of life whether we want to or not.

Why do all the presidents think we were electing Santa Clause. None of them look even a bit like him but they sure like to act like him as they traipse around the globe handing out the free Billion Dollar Bills we don’t have.

There’s a rumor going around that my Daughters are throwing me a Birthday/Roast party this fall in California. I hear that Reid Reker will be attending the gala event but has declined the opportunity to do any roasting out of fear of retaliation. Damn! I have so much good stuff on him, it’s a shame to waste it.

I definitely think there is a bias against Canadian acts at the Rock&Roll Hall Of Fame. How could Winnipeg’s “Guess Who” not be in there. I’m playing the “Canadian Card” on this one. What’s your opinion about this obvious snubbing ?

On Your Mark! Get Set! Go Get A New Life.

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Going back to the CKY reunion in Winnipeg recently got me thinking about my very first day in Radio. I remember it was on a Monday around noon and I was trudging up the well worn dimly lit staircase of 432 Main Street on my way to the 2nd floor studios of CKY-AM & FM. I was there to deliver some hop money to “Man About Midnight” Mark Parr (pictured). I had no clue nor any idea my life was about to change forever.

I was the leader of a band at the time called “The Jury” and we frequently would hire the CKY Dee Jays to MC our gigs. In those pre Beatle days their presence meant a larger crowd because they were bigger than the bands. The bigger crowd was good but the on air mentions we got were even better.The way it worked was the Jocks would arrive about the time we were ready to go on then they would say hi to the crowd, throw out a few records, introduce us and were gone. I would usually get their money to them by Monday.
When I arrived at CKY’s studios that fateful day Embree McDermid was sitting behind the reception desk and I asked her to please tell Mark Parr I had arrived. Em told me he was waiting for me in the FM control room and just to go on in.
CKY- FM in those days used board ops to operate their sorta Beautiful Music operation. They would insert weather, time, ID’s, and commercials from prerecorded tapes plus play the very soft music. Over on the AM they had all the big air personalities and they played nothing but the hits . 
Mark was behind the consul when I strolled in because one of his duties each day was to relieve the FM board op at noon so he could grab some lunch. When we settled up the money Mark asked if I had ever run a board before. I remember thinking it must take months maybe years to learn how to do that and once you did you would officially be a Radio guy. Little did I know that I was about to become one of the best board ops ever and I was going to do it in less than an hour. This miracle though was not going to be accomplished without first going through some extreme terror.
We continued chatting for a little while when suddenly Mark gets up and says … Hey Man, sit over here and I’ll show you how this all works, pay attention now. This round knob its called a pot and when it’s pointing straight up it’s on the air when down it’s off and in the cue position. In cue is where you get to preview everything. OK now this button here starts the turntable and this one stops it and all the tape machines in back of us all have their own start and stop buttons. Alright here we go this record is about to start to fading and when it goes almost all the way out count to two and start start the next one with this button and turn the pot up to about 12 o’clock. Now pull the other one down and stop the turntable and then check the VU meter of the record playing on air to make sure its not in the red. You’re going to be a natural, I can tell, he says to me. Now put the album away in the numbered bins and bring me the next one that’s listed here on this music sheet and lets cue it up. Good man you’ve almost got it! Back here is where we cue up the time and temp tapes tape that we play on the quarter hours. Over here is the weather tape that we play on the half hour so we need to make sure it’s all set to go. OK the record is starting to fade, start the time tape when it’s almost all the way out but remember it’s very short so be ready with the next record. Very good I told you this was simple didn’t I and you’re doing great. Hey there’s Dennis Corrie in production I need to see him for a moment so I’ll be right back just wave to me if you’re having any problems. Hey Mark I say, I dont know about this he just laughed and said you’ll be fine and left.
The next 15 minutes was probably the most horrifying time of my life because It wasn’t long before everything was running at once. I had no idea what was on air and what was just coming through the cue speakers and man was it noisy! I was waving frantically at Mark who just waved back at me as he and “Deno” were yucking it up in the production studio. He was probably filling him in about some new lady who had taken advantage of him over the weekend. Mark was the type who always seemed to have a lot of women trying to take advantage of him and the reputation he had as being a “Great Swordsman” came mostly from all the practice he was getting I figure.
But back to my dilemma because if all of this wasn’t enough the studio door opens and in trots Lloyd Moffat the station owner with a small group of his cronies who’ve come to check out his brand new FM station. Are you sh**ing me! I just stared straight ahead frozen in fear as I prayed for their speedy departure so I could figure out how to solve this disaster. Finally they leave and I calmly shut everything down and remembered thinking … Hell they can’t fire me I don’t even work here! Thanks to Mark that would soon change and by the time he finally got back to the studio I had it all together. I knew how to do it and I knew how to do it in rhythm Man!
After the board op got back from lunch Mark and I went out for coffee and that’s when he suggested I should consider becoming a board op and he felt he could get it done if I wanted to try it. Wow talk about good timing my Father recently told me I needed to get a job because in the Johns family we work we don’t play guitar for a living. I dreaded looking for a job I’d already had most of them and wasn’t good at any of them plus I hated working. Now you say somebody might actually pay me to hang out with the likes of Mark, Jimmy Darin, Deno Corrie, Gary Todd, George Dawes, Chuck Dann, Daryl B. and the rest of the CKY Good Guys, Hey that’s not work baby that’s sheer joy. Hell these guys spend most of their work day just laughing. Sign me up for some of that babe!
It took me a long time to realize just what Mark had done for me. I am told he pounded everyone so hard to hire me that they probably did so just to shut him up. Thankfully I turned out to be a much better Radio Guy than I was a Guitar Player and I can never thank Mark enough for launching me in a new career which ended up providing a pretty good life for a kid from Transcona.

Can’t Is Also A Four Letter Word

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Recently I wrote in one of my Blogs that I detested the word No. But now I’m starting to come around to the distinct possibility that No may also have a positive side to it. For example some people don’t even begin to become creative until they hear it a few times. Randy Michaels commented that he agreed with me on No but hates CAN’T even more. His response reminded me of a very special dinner I attended a few years ago with my Daughter Candis. This dinner was held outdoors at Camp Pendleton a Marine Base in Southern California. After our dinner the Company Commander got up and addressed us all by saying … We are supposed to be the toughest people in the world but I have to confess something to you, I do not have one person at this Base that can do what you people are going to do tomorrow morning. I ran the San Diego Marathon a few weeks ago just so I could experience a little of what you are going to go through tomorrow. It was a very very tough run and I only finished it because I had to face all of you tonight. It is almost impossible for me to fathom how you’re going to run that same 26 miles plus add a 2 1/2 mile ocean swim and a 116 mile bike race to it. Good luck and God speed to you all. With that he stepped down and as he did all I could think about was … Hey wait a minute, if a Marine can’t do this then how the hell is my little girl going to do it. But do it she did, so now and forever more Candis is an Ironman. The reason she did it was because she was repeatably told she cant do it. She was told she can’t do it because she would need to train for several years before even thinking about attempting something that grueling. And oh yeah it’s called the Ironman not the Irongirl little lady. Yet in less than a year here we were. The words Cant and No are very difficult to overcome but once defeated, they produce very exciting life changing results.

I’m itching to get my hands on a stand alone FM which everyone thinks you can’t be successful with anymore. There’s that can’t word again. I think they have a great opportunity to become big winners again because you can focus your quest for Ratings & Revenue right at the enemy without compromise. You definitely wont be bumping into yourself so you don’t have to be careful. Direct business of course is the life blood of a stand alone. The local groups just bonus some of their lower rated stations at the agency level because all they care about is Market share and beating last year. All Direct clients care about is traffic. Stand alones can send traffic because they can do local promotions plus live endorsements. Too many rules and systems for the group stations to get involved in so they would rather just stick with agencies. Also they can’t fight back when your stand alone starts to heat up. Speaking of heat PPM devices and Diaries always find the hottest stations.

Wow three more of the crew from KVIL are going into the Texas Hall Of Fame this fall. Congrats to Ken Barnett, Mitch Carr and Bruce Miller Earle.

Speaking of the Hall not many “thugs” if any, are going into the NFL Hall Of Fame. It’s our revenge.

When someone is murdered society doesn’t deserve revenge, but the family members of the victim sure do.

My Daughter Cami is into Country Music right now so she turns WIRK on the car Radio. I love the Music and the Jocks seem decent enough but the lame recorded liners and some of the show promos are driving me crazy. I just met Dan Mason at the NAB earlier this year and he seemed friendly enough. Do I dare ask him if he could fix this for me.

At Casey Anthony’s trial when her Father was on the stand he began to cry. Casey showed absolutely no emotion. I wonder how those family group hugs went while the unmother was growing up.

I have never heard Management or Ownership say … You have to have patience with this kind of format it cant happen over night and will probably take years to build. Only programmers and consultants use those kinds of words. Owners don’t even know how to pronounce them.

Even if Radio through some miracle became instantly profitable do you really think they would pay the staff much more.

Its weird driving in the rain in West Palm Beach where it has been raining everyday for about two weeks and seeing signs that read … We are in the middle of a severe drought, mandatory water restrictions are in effect.

If you are lucky enough to wake up with a beautiful woman by your side and you even start to wonder if she is sleeping with anybody else … Run !

Wow the CKY/CITI Reunion is coming together very nicely and the date is set for May 24/2012. Check out our Facebook page.

My Daughter Cami will be having a Sweet 16 party in early November but she desperately needs a theme. Whatchya got?

The Prosecution Blew It !

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When it’s time for Cami’s Summer vacation my favorite place to go is San Diego to visit with my Brother and his family. She would love to live in California if she could just bring her friends. I try to take her there at least once a year because I feel its important that she do some Johns family bonding. Cami refers to Auntie Savvy as her 2nd Mom and has hung out with her beautiful Cousin Christina for most of her life so it’s always a fun reunion. This visit was extra special for us as Candis came down from LA with my Grandson Nathaniel to spend a few days with us. When you have the whole fam-damily around you it doesn’t get much better than that.

Reg and I as usual spent some time discussing our parents. This time the discussion centered around the unreasonable curfew we had when we were young. We had to be in before or exactly at Midnight. Dad just assumed that at one minute past midnight the only thing left to do was rob gas stations.

Speaking of curfews I don’t remember when mine got lifted but Reg claimed it was when I began paying room and board. I wonder how I managed to resist immediately going on a robbing the gas stations rampage when I was set free.

The surprising verdict in the Casey Anthony trial has got me thinking that we may have moved too quickly on the banning of Vigilantes.

My beautiful lawyer Betsy Cameron claims when she heard the prosecution’s closing argument, she knew right then they had blown it.

Paul Barsky says they should do a pay- per- view with Casey hooked up to a lie detector. If she passes all the questions she gets a Million Dollars if she doesn’t the Million goes to abused kids.

While working with WNIC in Detroit, I remember hearing a commercial on Jim Harper’s morning show that claimed the lowest prices ever on a new Ford started today. I asked the Sales Manager if he could drive me down there real quick so I could get me one. He asked if I was planning on driving it all the way back to San Diego. Hell no, what for! At the price they will be selling those cars for I’m sure I will be able to afford to have it shipped. In fact I’m seriously thinking of maybe getting two. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked what I was talking about. I reminded him that Henry Ford invented the automobile right here in this very town and sold them for about $300 a pop. The new ones must be going for less than that according to the spot you’re running. Hey we better get a move on it and get down there before they are sold out. If I were you I would go ahead and get a couple of ’em for the kids.

What Ron Chapman, Jeff & Jer and a few others have in common is they really love the city they live in and wouldn’t dream of ever leaving it. Put that together with how long they’ve lived there and you can be assured they probably know the back roads to everywhere. It almost sounds like they are speaking to you in code. If you too love the city they are very hard to resist.

Another thing the good ones do is lead you towards doing the cool and hip thing even if they have to invent it. For example one very early morning I was listening to Ron in Dallas when he said … Will you Look at that giant fireball coming up out of the perfectly clear horizon. Here’s what we need to do grab a cup of coffee and join me outside. If you’re driving to work pull into a 7-11, they’re everywhere and just like I did earlier get yourself one of their giant size fresh coffees and get back out to the car as quickly as you can. Then take a big ol’ gulp of that steaming coffee and lets do this breathtaking sunrise thing together. Man O’ Man !  Will you look at that. Is this exactly why we live in Texas or what. Magnificent! Lets play a little ” Morning Has Broken” as we watch this together. Ron had me so worked up I jumped into my rental car to look for a 7-11 and get me some coffee. I just wanted to feel like a Texan and watch that sunrise with them. Ron had made drinking 7-11 coffee while watching a sunrise a very cool and hip thing to do. Of course the coffee cups at 7-11 all had Ron’s picture on them. What were you thinking.

When WJNO in West Palm Beach was in it’s prime it was a Fairbanks Station. We had people like Lee Fowler, Randi Rhodes and Jack Cole on board who kicked the Rush Limbaugh station’s ass. They did it by doing a limited amount of politics. What they wisely did instead was extreme opinionated coverage of the William Kennedy rape trial followed up by the OJ Simpson murder trial. Rush didn’t have a chance.

My good friend Bobby Cole is at it again with his June Wrap Up Rap.

What do you think of his work ? Leave a Comment below.